I’ve taken to my blog after a really long break. Somewhere I wasn’t able to find anything that made an impact or made the mundane life interesting. It’s also probably because I’ve been consumed by all the gazillion things happening in my personal life that left little to no time to ponder, to look outside, to eat a nice meal all dressed up outside or go shopping. Earlier this week was my 27th birthday. It was the first ever birthday in 27 years that I wasn’t around loved ones. I usually plan the day, invite friends, buy clothes – only difference was earlier mom used to splurge on me but now I can splurge on myself, make sure I have tonnes to do one day before as well. It was a big deal, stressful. but always a happy day in the end.
So, what was 2019 like?
I decided to not sulk about not having anyone to spend it with. A friend of mine told me this when I expressed my apprehension of handling my emotions on d-day because it’s so new to me. She said something casually but it stuck with me, “You’ve done so many things by yourself, you can adding celebrating a birthday to it too! You will most probably not get another one like this one again.” Something she said in passing stayed with me and I decided to make the most of the day in whatever little way possible and that I would not fret if things didn’t go according to plan.
Things went fairly according to plan – I baked a cake, I made chhole (garbanzo beans Indian Curry). I even got fully dressed with a reservation for a table at a restaurant but thanks to some torrential rainfall, I not only cancelled my reservation but also cooked myself another homely meal because no one was delivering food on Sunday night. Next day being a Monday (my birthday) I decided to go to work half day and thereafter treat myself at a spa followed by dinner with a friend. All in all, it was really good. My husband of just about 6 weeks sent the most beautiful bouquet of orchids (my all time favourite flower) from halfway across the globe. All this was great, but then again, I didn’t go shopping this year. My mom urged me to go by something new from her side.
The week passed and today, based on my awesome sister’s recommendation, I went shopping to a store. Many years ago, when I was naturally very young, maybe a year or two years old, my parents had taken me to buy a dress. I was a plump baby, cute, but with multiple lines on my thighs. They put me into a dress. They only managed to put me into it, not take me out of it. The man at the store was wild and said to my mother something on the lines of – make your baby lose some goddamn weight! My mother obviously gave him the death stare and walked out. As morbid as it may sound – years that followed – I struggled in a similar manner in trial rooms. Only this time, it was a mess I would get myself into and so I had to struggle my way out of it. I’ve spoken about this in a post I wrote on my birthday two years ago (https://bit.ly/31CmrQM). What happened today in the trial room took me back to these times and gave me time to reflect on all of these years. You see, I live in a city where I don’t know more than two people, I’m in a long distance marriage and by long I mean loonngg. So I have a lot of time to myself but today I actually pondered and even took to writing!
I tried on many outfits and they all fit me. I have moved down from XL/L to M and very rarely S. That’s great but that’s honestly not the best part. The reason all of this gave me so much joy was because about eight months ago, I invested in a gym membership and have been sincerely going since the day I signed up. Won’t lie, it totally helped to have an enthu cutlet partner who absolutely loves working out and can change your perspective on working out altogether. I love food. I cannot explain how much but I do. My day can be easily ruined by eating mediocre food. So the idea of giving any food up wasn’t an option. I did try it for a while, but as soon as the sense of deprivation kicked in, I’d quit. Now I don’t deprive myself, I try my level best to not skip gym the days I’m scheduled to go and I thoroughly enjoy it. Never thought there would be a day where I’d say I actually have fun going to the gym, but I do. It kills me but when that one hour is over, I feel victorious. And guess what? I get to feel victorious every day I work out.
This isn’t my thinnest I’ve been or anything and that wasn’t what I was aiming for. When I stopped craving to be thin and focused on being fitter, a little more than the day before, I started to be a lot more comfortable in my skin. I’m not going to be dishonest and say there isn’t this gnawing desire to lose weight but I’m reasonably good at dealing with those voices and rationalizing them. I bought a ton of clothes, burned a humongous hole in my pocket but I’ve not felt this liberated and celebrated in a while.